A Face Lift

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spent $5,000 and felt really good about the result. On his way home he stopped at a newsstand and bought a paper. Before leaving he said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man said, feeling really happy. After that he went into McDonalds for lunch, and asked the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh, you look about 29." "I am actually 47!" This made him feel really good. While standing at the bus stop he asked an old woman the same question. She replied, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age." As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady said, "OK, it's done. You are 47." Stunned the man said, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?" The old lady replied, "I was behind you in McDonalds." 

 

Ill get some help

The husband and wife were playing on the ninth green when she collapsed from a heart attack. "Please dear, I need help." she said. The husband ran off saying "I'll go get some help." A little while later he returned picked up his club and began to line up his shot on the green. His wife, on the ground, raised up her head and said, "I'm may be dying and you're putting?" "Don't worry dear. I found a doctor on the second hole who said he'll come and help." "The second hole??? When in the hell is he coming???" "Hey! I told ya not to worry." he said, practice stroking his putt. "Everyone's already agreed to let him play through."

 

 

Sorry Officer

A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube." The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack." "Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample." "I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death." "Well, then, we need a urine sample." "I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar." "All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line." "I can't do that, officer." "Why not?" "Because I'm drunk."

 

 

Hell of a call

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.

While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes.  When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes.  When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.

Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours.  When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply.  The devil smiles and replies: "Since Obama took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

 

 

A shy gentleman

A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting," thought the gentleman. I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person. Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff. Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. This is fantastic, thought the gentleman. I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance. Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'u-n-t'?" Only one word leapt to mind...my goodness, thought the gentleman, I can't tell the Pope that, there must be another. The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, "I think you're looking for the word 'aunt'." "Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"

 

 

Why did you have to die

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started
back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a
grave.  The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your
private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen
before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied,
"My wife's first husband."

 

 

The pickle factory

A young man got a job in a local pickle factory. The older fellows he worked with were always teasing him and daring him to put his penis in the pickle slicer. Finally, not being able to take the ribbing and taunts any longer, he said he would do it. No sooner had he put his penis in the pickle slicer than the foreman caught him and fired him on the spot. He went home and his wife asked why he was home so early. He said, "Well the guys have been making my life miserable by teasing me and daring me to put my penis in the pickle slicer. So today I thought I would shut them up and do it. The foreman caught me and he fired me." She was very concerned, but he assured her that everything was normal and in workable condition. She said, "Well if you're okay, did anything happen to the pickle slicer?" "Oh", he answered, "she was fired too."

 

 

The final exam

A high school English teacher reminded her class of the final exam that would be given the following day. She told the class that there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for serious injury or illness, or a death in the student’s immediate family. A smart ass jock in the back of the class asked, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" The entire class did it's best to stifle there laughter. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled sympathetically at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, "Not an excuse. You can write with your other hand."

 

Out golfing

A man takes the day off of work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron" The man looks round and doesn't see anyone so he tries again. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits a birdie. He's shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog eh?" The frog reply's "Ribbit, Lucky frog. Lucky frog." The man decided to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?", the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." was the reply. The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "Ok where to next?" The frog reply, "Ribbit Las Vegas". They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "Ok frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette". Upon approaching the roulette table the man asks," what do you think I should bet?" The frog reply, "Ribbit $3000 black 6." Now, this is a million to one shot that this would win but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me". He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. All of a sudden the frog turns into the most gorgeous 16 year old girl in the world. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room".

  

A trip to the Social Security office

A senior citizen decided to visit the social security office to sign up for his benefits. Upon his arrival the clerk asked for proof of his age. When he reached for his wallet the embarrassed man realized he had left it home. After explaining his problem to the clerk, she replied, "Don't worry, just open your shirt, and if your chest hair is gray you will qualify." The senior citizen opened up his shirt and was soon signed up for his benefits. Upon arriving home, he related the story to his wife. She looked at him, smiled and said, "Too bad you didn't drop your pants. You would have qualified for disability too!"

  

Let’s go eat

There were two buddies, one with a Doberman Pinscher and the other with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to his friend, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."  The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."  The buddy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead."
They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses and he starts to walk in. The bouncer at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."
The man with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye-dog."
The bouncer says, "A Doberman Pinscher?"
He answers, "Yes, they're using them now; they're very good and protect me from robbers, too."
The man at the door says, "Come on in."
The buddy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.
Once again the bouncer says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"
The man with the Chihuahua says, "A Chihuahua?????? They gave me a Chihuahua?!"

 

Three old ladies

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing.

The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, the demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.

The third old lady remarked, “I can’t hear a word you’re saying, but I remember the guy you’re talking about.”

  

Farmer Joe

Farmer Joe was in his car when he was hit by a truck. He decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question."
"Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!"
Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.
I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"

  

Slow golfers

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." [Dramatic pause] "Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

  

Rich lonely widow

A rich, lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life, so she placed a personal ad that read: RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS: 1. WON'T BEAT ME UP, 2. WON'T RUN AWAY, 3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED. For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail, etc., all to no avail. None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications. Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you and what do you want?" "Hi," said the man "Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams. I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up and I've got no legs, so I can't run away." The old woman asked, "What makes you think you're so great in bed?" To which he replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

  

Once upon a time

Once upon a time, a gay man with a tremendous sex-drive died and went to heaven. At the Great Gate, Saint Peter was waiting for him. After reviewing his records Saint Peter decided to let him in. "Follow me" he said, opening the gate and walking in. After some walk, Saint Peter's keys accidentally fell on the ground. Unaware, he bent over to pick up the keys. The gay man just couldn't resist, so he jumped on him and did his thing. Saint Peter was furious. "If you do that again, You'll go straight to hell! But follow me, we're just there." After walking some more, Peter dropped his keys again, and again, the gay man jumped on him. Saint Peter was even more furious than before, but decided to give the gay guy one last chance. Again they walk and for the third time Peter droped his keys and then bent over to pick them up.

The guy, having no self control, jumped on him. Peter by now was fed up and sent the gay guy straight to hell. A few weeks later, Saint Peter went down to hell for his routine inspection, but this time something was wrong, it was freezing, no fire, no lava and in one corner, he found the devil lying under a stack of blankets freezing his ass off. "Why is it so goddamn cold down here?" Peter asked. "Well you just try bending down for firewood!!" The devil replied.

 

No strawberries

A woman walks into a local ice cream parlor and orders some chocolate ice cream. "Sorry, we're all out of chocolate." said the owner "Hmm," said the lady, "In that case, I'll just have a scoop of chocolate." "No lady, you don't seem to understand, we're all out of chocolate." "I see. Well, in that case, I'll have the chocolate instead." "Lady," said the owner, "can you say 'VAN' as in 'Vanilla?'" "Sure." And she said, "VAN" "And can you say 'STRAW' as in 'Strawberry?'" "Sure, STRAW" "And can you say 'FUCK' as in 'Chocolate?'" "But there is no FUCK in chocolate," the lady said "That's what I've been trying to tell you.

 

 Officer Gotcha

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder. So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five very old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - wide-eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, Officer, I don't understand. I was doing exactly the speed limit. What seems to be the problem? Ma'am, the office replies, you weren't speeding but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers. Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles per hour the old woman says, a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok?

These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time, the officer asks. Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer.

We just got off Route 119.

 

Empty seat at the Super Bowl
A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl.
As he sat down, he noticed that the seat next to him was empty.
He asked the man on the other side of the empty seat whether anyone was sitting there.  “No,” the man replied, “The seat is empty.”
“This is incredible,” said the first man.
“Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world and not use it?”
The second man replied, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.
This will be the first Super bowl we haven’t been together since we got married in 1967.”
“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. That’s terrible. But couldn’t you find someone else — a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?”
The man shook his head. “No, they’re all at the funeral.”

Want a Divorce
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.
One day, he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could
arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce
would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following
questions:
Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.
I don’t think you understand.
Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.
I mean what are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland.
Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.
Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.
Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.
What makes you think that?
I got proof.
What kind of proof?
She going to poison me.
She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.
I can read the English, and it say, POLISH REMOVER.

Swimming with Alligators – HA!!!
Once there was a millionaire who collected live alligators. He kept
them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a
beautiful daughter who was single.
One day, the millionaire decides to throw a huge party, and during the
party he announces, “My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man
here. I will give one million dollars, or my daughter, to the man who
can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!”
As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large
splash in the pool. The guy in the pool was swimming with all his
might, and the crowd began to cheer him on. Finally, he made it to the
other side of the pool unharmed.
The millionaire was impressed. He said, “That was incredible!
Fantastic! I didn’t think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end
of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?”
The guy catches his breath, and says, “Listen, I don’t want your
money! And I don’t want your daughter! I want the guy who pushed me in
the pool!”

Famous Last Words
Two husbands, Chad and Sherm, were discussing their married lives.
Although happily married, they admitted that there were arguments sometimes.
Then Chad said, “I’ve made one great discovery. I now know how to
always have the last word.”
“Wow!” said Sherm, “How do you manage that?”
“It’s easy,” replied Chad. “My last words are always ‘Yes, Dear.’”

Horsing Around
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as
his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down
the horse’s legs, rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Little Johnny asked, “Dad, why are you doing that?”
His father replied, “Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make
sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.”
Little Johnny, looking worried, said, “Dad, I think the UPS guy wants
to buy Mom.”

For Valentines Day…
Three men drinking in a bar; a doctor, an attorney and a biker. As the doctor was drinking his white wine, he said, "For Valentine's Day, I'm going to buy my wife a fur coat and a diamond ring. This way, if she doesn't like the fur coat, she will still love me because she got a diamond ring." As the attorney was drinking his martini, he said, "For Valentine's Day, I'm going to buy my wife a designer dress and a gold bracelet. This way, if she doesn't like the dress, she will still love me because she got the gold bracelet. As the biker was drinking his shots of whiskey, he said, "For Valentine's Day, I'm going to buy my wife a t-shirt and a vibrator. This way, if she doesn't like the t-shirt, she can go screw herself!

Empty seat at the Super Bowl
A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl.
As he sat down, he noticed that the seat next to him was empty.
He asked the man on the other side of the empty seat whether anyone was sitting there.
“No,” the man replied, “The seat is empty.”
“This is incredible,” said the first man.
“Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world and not use it?”
The second man replied, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.
This will be the first Super bowl we haven’t been together since we got married in 1967.”
“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. That’s terrible. But couldn’t you find someone else — a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?”
The man shook his head. “No, they’re all at the funeral.”

Dr’s three top
At a mental health hospital a psychiatrist sets a test to determine the mental progress of his three top patients.
He gets three chairs and repaints them. Before they dry, he repositions them in a room in such a way that one is in front of the other. After this, he calls the three patients and asks them to seat down. The first two gladly sit on the wet chairs at the front. However, the third who comes in last takes one look at the wet chair and then proceeds to the corner of the room where there is a pile of papers. He takes one sheet which he drapes on the wet chair before sitting. Surprised by the action of the third, the doctor asks him why he draped the sheet of paper on the wet chair, "that's easy," came the reply, "seeing that am seated at the back, I needed to be a bit raised if I wanted to see what's happening at the front"

Old, Tired Dog
One afternoon, Sue was in the backyard hanging the laundry when an old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard.
Sue could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. But when she walked into the house, he followed her, sauntered down the hall and fell asleep in a corner.
An hour later, the dog went to the door, and Sue let him out.
The next day he was back. He resumed his position in the hallway and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks.
Curious, Sue pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."
The next day the dog arrives with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with eight children. He's just trying to catch up on his sleep."

The Local Charity
A local charity office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The director called him, hoping to get a contribution. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the director mumbled, "Um...no." "Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken director began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted. " . . . or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!" The humiliated director said simply, "I had no idea . . ." The lawyer continued, "So if I don't give any money to them,
why should I give any to you?"

Farmers wife…
A farmer and his wife had just waken up one morning to the crowing of their rooster. While still in bed, the farmer's wife says, "Pa, you know our neighbor Mr. Jones?"
"Yes Ma, I reckon I do," replied the sleepy farmer.
"Well, every morning before he leaves the house for work, he gives his wife a big ol' kiss. Why don't you ever do that?"
The farmer sighed and said, "Well, I reckon I can, but I just don't know her very well."

Another Optimist vs Pessimist tale…
An optimist sees the best in the world, while a pessimist sees only the worst. An optimist finds the positive in the negative, and a pessimist can only find the negative in the positive.
For example, as a duck hunter, I was in the market for a new bird dog a few years ago. My search finally ended when I found a dog that could not only retrieve, but could actually walk on water! Of course I bought him immediately but wasn't sure how I'd tell my hunter buddies.
I decided to try to break the news to one friend at a time starting with a long-time buddy who was also a hunter. He was a pessimist by nature, but invited him to hunt with me and my new dog.
As we waited, carefully concealed by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. We fired, and ducks fell at a distance. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the birds, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long--each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.
My pessimist buddy watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word about it the entire day.
On the drive home the silence was suddenly broken when my friend said, "Too bad about your dog."
A little surprised at his statement, I asked, "What do you mean?"
"I mean," drawled the pessimist slowly, "it's too bad ya got stuck with one that can't swim."

TO BE 6 AGAIN
A man asked his wife what she’d like for her birthday. “I’d love to be six again, ” she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, got up made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms and then took her off to the local theme park.
What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: The Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald’s where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic, a hotdog, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M’s. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked: “Well, Dear, what was it like being six again?”
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. “You fucking idiot, I meant my dress size!”

Father O’Malley
A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a
couple of strokes. “Boy, I’d give anything to sink this putt,” the
golfer mumbles to himself.
Just then, a stranger appears, walks up beside him and whispers,
“Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?”
Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the
golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen, so he says, “Sure,”
and sinks the birdie putt.
Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, “Gee, I sure would like
to get an eagle on this one.”
The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, “Would it be
worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?”
Shrugging, the golfer replies, “Okay,” and he makes an eagle.
On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without
waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his
side and says, “Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest
of your sex life?”
“Definitely,” the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.
As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks
alongside him and says, “I haven’t really been fair with you because
you don’t know who I am. I’m the Devil, and from this day forward,
you will have no sex life.”
“Nice to meet you,” the golfer replies, “I’m Father O’Malley.”

Three Friends
Three women are having lunch, discussing their husbands.
The first says, “My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found
a pair of stockings in his jacket pocket, and they weren’t mine!”
The second says, “My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I
found a condom in his wallet, so I poked it full of holes with my
sewing needle!”
The third woman fainted.

The Patient Grandfather
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly
behaved 3 year-old grandson.
It’s obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child
screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit
aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.
Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled
voice, “Easy, William, we won’t be long . . . easy, boy.”
Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, “It’s okay,
William, just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in
there, boy.”
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart,
and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, ”William, William,
relax buddy, don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes; stay
cool, William.”
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is
loading his groceries and the boy into the car.
She said to the elderly gentleman, “It’s none of my business, but you
were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. That whole time,
you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got,
you just calmly kept saying things would
be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa.”
“Thanks,” said the grandfather, “but I’m William . .. . the little
bastard’s name is Kevin.”

Out Pops A Genie…
A man was walking along a California beach when he stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, "Okay. You released me from the lamp, but this is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes, so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!" The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete, how much steel!!! No, think of another wish." The man said okay and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So... I wish that I could understand women...know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment... know why they're crying... know what they really want when they say 'nothing'... know how to make them truly happy...." The genie paused to think for a moment and then said, "You want
that bridge two lanes or four?"

Hot and Heavy
A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town. Things were getting hot and heavy when the girl stopped the boy. "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex," she said. The boy just looked at her for a couple of seconds, but then reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl. "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."

SHAKESPEARE ON TRIAL
Whenever Shakespeare wanted to write poetry, he used to go to the woods in search of inspiration. One such day, he was in the woods looking for inspiration, and he sees a boy and girl having sex. Just before he could say something, there is a police raid, the three of them are caught and produced before a judge, the boy and girl as the ones to be prosecuted and Shakespeare as the witness.
The judge sets the court and calls Shakespeare in the witness box and asks, “Mr. Shakespeare, were the two of them having sex?”
Now Shakespeare, the poet that he was, could not say anything without inspiration. He keeps quiet.
The judge repeats, “Mr. Shakespeare, were the two of them having sex?”
Shakespeare still keeps quiet. The judge gets annoyed and says, “Mr. Shakespeare, for the last time before I hold you for contempt, WERE THE TWO HAVING SEX?”
Suddenly inspiration strikes Shakespeare and he says, “Sir, The pants were down, The thighs were bare, The balls were hanging in the air, He put it in, You know where, and if that isn’t having sex, I wasn’t there.”

DAVE
Dave was bragging to his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?”
“No drama boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.”
So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, “Dave! What’s happening ? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!”
Although impressed, Dave’s boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Ian that he thinks Dave’s knowing Cruise was just lucky.
“No, no, just name anyone else,” Dave says.
“President Bush,” his boss quickly retorts.
“Yup,” Dave says, “Old buddies, let’s fly out to Washington.” And off they go.
At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, “Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a cup of coffee first and catch up.”
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else. “The Pope,” his boss replies. “Sure!” says Dave. “My folks are from Poland, and I’ve known the Pope a long time.” So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Dave says, “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.” And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss’ side, Dave asks him, “What happened?”
His boss looks up and says, “I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, “Who the fuck’s that on the balcony with Dave?”

The Parrot
A man is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot resting on a perch.
It doesn’t have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, ‘I wonder what happened to this parrot.?’
The parrot says, ‘I was born this way. I’m a defective parrot.’‘Oh, my goodness!’ the guy replies. ‘You actually understood and answered me.!’‘I got every word,’ says the parrot. ‘I happen to be a highly intelligent and a thoroughly educated bird’
‘Oh yeah?’ the guy asks. ‘Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet?’  ‘Well,’ the parrot says, ‘this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my willy around this wooden bar, like a little hook.

You can’t see it, because of my feathers.’
‘Wow,’ says the guy. ‘You really can understand, and can speak English, can’t you?’
Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I’m especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me; I’d be a great companion.’  The guy looks at the £200.00 price tag.  ‘Sorry, but I just can’t afford that.’  ‘Pssssssst,’ says the parrot, ‘I’m defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don’t have any feet. You can probably get me for £20, just make the guy an offer!’  The guy offers £20, and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he’s interesting, he’s a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he’s insightful the guy is delighted.  One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, ‘Psssssssssssst,’ and motions him over with one wing.
‘I don’t know if I should tell you this or not, but it’s about your wife, and the Postman man.’  ‘What are you talking about,?’ asks the guy.
‘When the Postman man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.’  ‘WHAT???’ the guy asks incredulously. ‘THEN what happened?’  ‘Well, then the Postman man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,’ reported the parrot.  ‘NO!’ he exclaims, ‘and she let him.?’  ‘Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.’  Then the frantic guy demands, ‘THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?’ I DUNNO?!? I got an erection, and fell off my perch.

AT THE PICKLE FACTORY
One day he comes home and confesses to his wife that he has these… urges. Urges to put his penis in the pickle slicer.  “What!?” says his wife. “You didn’t, did you?”
Of course he didn’t. But he did have these urges.
As time goes on, every now and then he confesses that the urges haven’t diminished. And so, one day he arrives home and admits: “I’m sorry, honey. I did it. I put my penis in the pickle slicer.”  “Oh my God!” she exclaims, “Are you ok? what happened!?”  “Well, I got fired.”  “No, no! I mean with the pickle slicer!”
“Oh. Well… She got fired, too.”

A portion of the pain…
A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered.
Upon arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. they were both very much in favor of trying it out. The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, he decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic! When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch.

The wife’s golf lesson…

A husband and wife love to play golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No,no, no," you're gripping the club way too hard! Well, what should I do?" asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast." The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the goodnews, and the wife can't wait for her lesson. The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard." "What can I do?" asks the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis." The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway ....... about 15 ft. "That was impressive!!," the pro says. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing the club like you're supposed to!"

 

The Hypnotist

I felt REALLY sorry for the Hypnotist I went to see at the club last night.
He hypnotized seven men, then accidentally dropped the microphone on his foot, and yelled:

“F**k me!”

What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life!

 

NEVER UNDERESTIMATE A BLOND!

Last year, I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane, energy-efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them.

He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn’t paid for them.

Hellloooo!!!!………..Just because I’m blonde doesn’t mean that I am automatically stupid.  So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

“Helllooooo?  It’s been a year!” I told him.

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.

He never called back.  I bet he felt like an idiot.

 

Now you’re a Fish

A protestant moved into a completely Catholic community. Being good Catholics they welcomed him into their community. But, also because they were good Catholics they did not eat red meat on Fridays. So, when their neighbor began barbequing some juicy stake on Friday night, they began to squirm. They were so annoyed that they went to talk to him about it. After much talk they convinced him to become Catholic. The next Sunday he went to the priest and the priest sprinkled holy water on him and said: You were born Protestant. You were raised Protestant. But now you are Catholic. And so, the next Friday, as the neighbors sat down to eat their fish, they were disturbed by the smell of roast beef coming from the neighboring house. They went over to talk to the new Catholic because he knew he was not supposed to eat beef on Fridays. When they saw him, he was sprinkling ketchup on the beef saying: You were born a cow. You were raised a cow. But now you are fish.

 

How Old Is She?

A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, officer?" "What are you doing?" the policeman asked. "What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading a magazine." Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?" The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's knitting." "And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man. "I'm nineteen," he replied. "And how old is she?" asked the officer. The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen."

 

Premature Ejaculator

Michael, who had problems with premature ejaculation, went to a sex shop for a remedy. The clerk handed him a little yellow can and said, "This is Stay-Hard Spray; put on a little and you can go all night!" Delighted, Michael took it home, stowed it on the cellar shelf, and waited eagerly for bedtime, when he sprayed some on and went upstairs to his wife. However, it seemed to make him come quicker than ever. The next day he returned to the sex shop, slammed the can down on the counter, and snapped, "This stuff makes me worse than before!" Upon reading the label, the clerk asked, "Did you hide this stuff on the cellar shelf?" "Yeah, so?" said the disgruntled customer. "You must have grabbed the wrong can. This is Easy-Off."

 

Condoms Explained

A father and his son are in the local pharmacy, and the boy notices the condom rack and asks his dad what they are and what they are for. The man tells his son that he'll explain what they are when he gets a little older.

The boy then asks why there are so many different sized boxes. The father says, well there are 3 packs, and they are for young, high school boys; one for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday. The boy says, well what about the 6 pack. The father says, they are for college boys; two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday. Then the boy asks about the 12 packs. The father replies, well son, those are for married men; one for January, one for February ......

 

The Birds & the Bees

Morris asks his son, aged 10, if he knows about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong. "Oh dad," he sobbed, "at age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really have sex,

I've got nothing left to live for!"

 

The Parrot

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird’s’ mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to ‘clean up’ the bird’s vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then suddenly there was total quiet.  Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly open the door to the freezer.  The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.  I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.”

John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, “May I ask what the turkey did?”

 

There’s No Soap

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They got undressed and stepped into the showers before they realized there was no soap. Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap in his hands and heads back. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue. The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look," says the first nun..."It's a soap dispenser." To test her theory the second nun also pulls his tool .... and sure enough he drops the other bar of soap. The third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice, and three times, but nothing happens. So she tries once more and, to her delight, she yells.... "Hand lotion!"

 

Excited Jeweler

A white-haired old man walked into a jewelry store on a Friday, with a beautiful young lady at his side.
"I'm looking for a special ring for my girlfriend," he said.
Our jeweler looked through our stock and took out an outstanding ring priced at $5,000. "I don't think you understand-I want something very unique," the man said.
At that, our now very excited jeweler went and fetched our special stock from the safe. "Here's one stunning ring at $40,000." The girl’s eyes sparkled, and the man said that he would take it. "How are you paying?" asked our jeweler.
"I'll pay by check; but of course the bank will want to make sure that everything is in order, so I'll write a check and you can phone the bank tomorrow, and then I'll fetch the ring on Monday."
Monday morning, our very disappointed jeweler phoned the man. "You lied, there's no money in that account." "I know, sorry, but can you imagine what a FANTASTIC weekend I had?"

 

SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

A man is driving down a deserted highway, and notices a sign that reads...

SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES He thinks it was a figment of his imagination - and drives on. Soon, he sees another sign which says...

SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES Realizing these signs are for real, he drives on, and sure enough, there is a third... SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - NEXT RIGHT His curiosity gets the best of him, and he pulls into the driveway. On the far side of the parking lot, is a somber stone building with a sign on the door that reads... SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - WELCOME He climbs the steps, rings the bell, and the door is answered by a nun in a long black habit, who asks..."What may we do for you my son? "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing some business," he answers. "Very well, my son. Please follow me," says the nun. He is led through many winding passages, and soon he is much disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please, knock on this door" and leaves. The man does as he is told, and this door is opened by another nun in a long black habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs: "Please place $50.00 in the cup, and then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He places the money in this nun's tin cup.

He trots eagerly down the hallway, and slips through the door, pulling it shut. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: "Go in Peace. You have just been screwed by the Sisters of Mercy."

 

How to Please a Woman

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only". Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside." So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

 

Religion Class Today

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women only". Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside." So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

 

This Fly…

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in the pints, and were stuck in the thick heads. The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. The Irishman picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling,

"SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!

 

'Comfortable'

Hoss rode into town to buy a bull. Unfortunately, when he bought it, he was left with one dollar. Hoss needed to tell his wife to come with the truck and get the bull, but telegrams cost one dollar per word. Hoss said to the telegram man, "OK. I have my one word-'comfortable'." Why do you want to tell her that?” asked the telegram man. "Oh, she's not the best reader," Hoss said. "She'll read it really slowly". (Com-for-ta-ble, get it?)

 

PREGNANT TURKEY

Last year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional holiday feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store and asked if my sister wouldn't mind going out to get it.

When my sister left the house, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the mixed stuffing, and inserted a Cornish hen into the turkey cavity...then re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back into the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Barbara, you've cooked a pregnant bird!"

At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry hysterically. It took the entire family almost two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs.

 

Gotta Hot Date with Two Girls

This guy goes to the pharmacist and says, "Listen, these two girls are coming over this weekend, and they are hot, very hot. Would you have something to get me going all night? It's going to be a hell of a party." The pharmacist goes in the back room, comes back with an old dusty bottle and says, "This stuff is potent: drink only one ounce of it, and I guarantee that you will be doing the wild thing all night. Let me know how it goes." The weekend goes by and on Monday morning, the pharmacist goes to work and finds the same guy waiting for him on the door-step. The pharmacist says, "What are you doing here so early? How was your weekend?" The guy replies, "Quick, I need Blue Ice (muscle pain relief)." The pharmacist, knowing what the guy had been doing all weekend, says, "Are you crazy, you can't put that on your penis. The skin is way too sensitive." The guy says, "No, no, it’s not for that, it's for my arm." Pharmacist: "What?? What happened?" Guy replies, "Well...I drank the whole bottle of your potion." Pharmacist: "Oh my god, and then what?" "The girls never showed up!"

 

The Heart Attack

The rescue squad was called to the home of an elderly couple for an apparent heart attack the gentleman had. When the squad got there it was too late, the man had died. While consoling the wife one of the rescuers noticed that the bed was a mess. He asked the lady what symptoms the man had suffered and if anything had precipitated the heart attack. The lady replied, "Well, we were in the bed making love and he started moaning, groaning, thrashing about the bed, panting and sweating. I thought he was coming, but I guess he

was going."

 

Jail Break for a Rabbit

A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. "Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight, lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass. "Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits? "Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked. "Well," one of them said. "You see that field there?

It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them." This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?" "You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well." The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. "Is there anything else you guys do?" he asked. One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. "There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there," he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. "They're girls. We shag them. Go and try it." Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys. "That was fantastic," he panted. "So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked. "I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't." The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here." "I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette."

 

Dangers of Bungee-Jumping

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second. "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico." The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?" The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the hell is a piñata?

 

Fixing the Headstone

Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
“Holy cow, Mister,” one of them said after catching his breath, “You scared us half to death — we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?”
“Those fools!” the old man grumbled. “They misspelled my name!”

Life after death
"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees. "Yes, sir," the clerk replied. "That's good," the boss said. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."

They grow them big in Texas
A Texan went to Chicago and thought he would buy a new "city" outfit. He went into Marshall Fields and, when asked by a sweet young woman if she could help him, he answered, "Yes ma'am. Ya see, I'm from Texas and I want to buy a complete city outfit." Her eyes lit up as she asked, "Where would you like to start?" "Well, ma'am, how about a suit?" "Yes sir. What size?" "Size 53 tall, ma'am." "Wow, that's really big." "Yes ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas." "What's next?" she asked. He replied, "How about some shoes?" "What size?" "Size 15 double D." "Wow, that's really big!" "Yes ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas." "What's next?" "Well, I reckon I'll need a shirt." "Yes sir. What size?" "Nineteen and a half neck, size 38," he replied. "Wow, that's really big!" "Yes ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas." "Will there be anything else?" she asked. "Yes ma'am. I spect I'll need a hat." "Yes sir. What size?" "Eight and five-eighths." "Wow, that's really big!" "Yes ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas." She virtually glowed as she asked, "Is there anything else I can do for you?" "No ma'am , I reckon that will be all." As the sweet young thing tallied up his bill, and as the Texan counted out his money, she blushed and asked, "Sir, could I ask you a question?" "Yes ma'am, I already know what it is. And the answer is four inches." Astonished, she blurted out, "Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!" Without so much as a stutter, the Texan replied, "From the floor, ma'am?"

Having a sociable beer
Two rural church deacons who were having a sociable beer in the local tavern when they saw their minister drive by and take a good long look at their pickup trucks parked outside.  One deacon ducked down and said, "I hope the reverend didn't see us or recognize my pickup."  The other replied indifferently, "What difference does it make. God knows we're in here...and he's the only one who counts." The first deacon countered, "But God won't tell my wife."

What size do you need?
A sixty year old man walks into a big drug store and walks up to the girl at checkout #3. He asks her, "Do you guys have condoms here?" She says, "Sure. What size are you?" "I don't know," he replies. "Well, just let me check," the cashier says and she unzips his pants and takes a feel and then she says over the intercom, "EXTRA LARGE CONDOMS TO AISLE 3 PLEASE, EXTRA LARGE CONDOMS TO AISLE 3" They bring the condoms and the man pays for them and leaves. Then, a thirty-year old man walks into the store and up to checkout 3. He asks the girl, "Do you sell condoms here?" The cashier replies, "Sure, but what size do you need?" He says "Well, I don't know." She says, "Just let me check here." She unzips his pants and takes a couple of tugs and then says over the intercom, "LARGE CONDOMS TO AISLE 3 PLEASE, LARGE CONDOMS TO AISLE 3." Someone brings the condoms and the man pays for them and leaves. Later, a sixteen-year old guy comes into the store and goes up to the girl at checkout 3 and asks sheepishly, "Um, ah, do you guys sell any condoms here?" "Yep," she says, "But what size do you need?" "I don't know." he says. She unzips his zipper for a feel and then says over the intercom, "CLEAN UP TO AISLE THREE PLEASE, CLEAN UP TO AISLE THREE."
 

I’m selling cat’s!
A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.  The storeowner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale. The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."  And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.  The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."  And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."

'Hi, we're hookers!
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.  I have two female parrots,  But they only know how to say one thing.'  'What do they say?' the priest inquired. They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed, Then he thought for a moment. 'You know,' he said 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, Which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.   Bring your two parrots over to my house, And we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, And your parrots are sure to stop saying . . That phrase . . In no time.'   Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.' The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, She saw that his two male parrots Were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.. Impressed, She walked over and placed her parrots in with them.  After a few minutes, The female parrots cried out in unison: Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?' There was stunned silence. Shocked, One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot And exclaimed, 'Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!'

"Louieville" or "Louiseville."
Two guys were riding in a car, arguing about how to say the name of the city that they were in. One said "Louieville" and the other "Louiseville." They went on arguing and arguing, until they came upon a fast-food restaurant. The one guy goes inside and says to the waitress, "Tell me the name of the place where I am right now really, really, really slowly." The waitress goes, "Bur-ger-King."

Wow, I saved George W!
George W. Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below. Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3 black kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted. The first kid says, "I want to go to Disneyland." W says, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One." The second kid says, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's." W says, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!!" The third kid says, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!" Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you're handicapped." The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!!!"

'What is Politics?'
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People. The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night,! he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and see s his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.' The little boy replies, 'The prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.'
 

It’s a nice custom
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I drinks one for each o' me brothers and one for me self." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no. Everyone's fine," He explains, "It's just that I joined the Mormon Church and I had to quit drinking."

Timex!
My Neighbors, the two cute, young, lesbians next door, asked me what I would like for my birthday. I was quite surprised, when they gave me a Timex! It was very nice of them, but I'm pretty sure that they misunderstood me, when I said:
"I wanna watch !"

Makin a hard choice
For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!" "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."

CSA Forms
The following are all replies that British women have put on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details: These are genuine excerpts from the forms.
1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Tyrone Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.
2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.
3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 36 Nottingham Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks.
4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area, and see if he's had it replaced.
5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.
6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.
7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.
8. Leroy Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?
9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro Disney; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom .
10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive , mine might have remained unfertilised.
11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

Living Hell
A widower who never paid any attention to his wife while she was alive now found himself missing her desperately. He went to a psychic to see if he could contact his late wife. The psychic went into a trance. A strange breeze wafted through the darkened room, and suddenly, the man heard the unmistakable voice of his dearly departed wife. "Honey!" he cried. "Is that you?" "Yes, my husband." "Are you happy?" "Yes, my husband." "Happier than you were with me?" "Yes, my husband." "Then Heaven must be an amazing place!" "I'm not in Heaven, dear."

Drinks on me!
A guy walks into a bar, sits at the counter and said "Drinks, everybody on me, even you bar tender" on my tab. Every one got a drink and thanked the man. After a while he man said "Drinks, everybody on me, even you bar tender. Put it on my tab." Everybody got their drinks and thanked the man. The bar tender pulled the man to the side and asked him "You know this is going to be a lot of money, can you pay for this? The man said "No". The bar tender took the man in the back, beat him up, and threw him out the back door. The man brushed himself off, and went back into the bar. He sat down and said "Drinks, everybody, on me. Except for you bar tender, you don't know how to act when you get drunk

THE INJURY
During the service, the pastor asked if anyone would like to express praise for prayers which had been answered. A lady stood up and came forward.
She said, 'I have a reason to thank the Lord. Two months ago, my husband Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him.'
You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.
She continued, 'Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.'
Again, the men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.
She continued, 'Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely.' All the men sighed with relief.
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.
A man rose and walked slowly to the podium. He said, 'I'm Jim and I would like to tell my wife once again, the word is sternum.'

The Brain Store
A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offerred at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher: "How much for Engineer brain?" "3 dollars an ounce." "How much for a computer programmer's brain?" "4 dollars an ounce." "How much for lawyer brain?" "100 dollars an ounce." "Why is lawyer brain so much more?" "Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill
to get one ounce of brain?"

THE LOVE DRESS
A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her Daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of Perfume filled the room. 'What are you doing?' she asked.
'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work.' The daughter-in-law answered. ' But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed. 'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law explained. 'Love dress? But you're naked!' 'Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she explained. 'Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours.'
The mother-in-law left, and when she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively. ' What are you doing?' he asked. 'This is my love dress,' she whispered, sensually. 'Needs ironing,' he said, 'What's for dinner?'

Bill Clinton’s still at it!
Clinton really has bad luck even besides all his female escapades. He was helping Monica with her computer and it went down on him too. An official Gallup survey polled over 1000 women with the question: Would you sleep with Bill Clinton 97% gave the reply, Never Again! President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approach him. "What is it?" yells the President. "It's this abortion bill, Mr. President. What do you want to do about it?" the aide asks. "Just go ahead and pay it." responds the President.

The Facecloth...
I was due for a cancer smear with the doctor later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am . I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pyjamas, wet the facecloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the facecloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.
I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in.
Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.
I was a little surprised when the doctor said, 'My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?'
I didn't respond. After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal - some shopping, cleaning, & cooking.
After school when my 7 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, 'Mummy, where's my facecloth?' I told her to get another one from the cupboard. She replied, 'No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter saved inside it.' NEVER going back to that doctor ever!!

Aunt Emma
A couple's happy married life almost went on the rocks because of the presence in the household of old Aunt Emma. For seventeen long years she lived with them, always crotchety, always demanding.
Eventually, the old girl passed away.
On the way back from the cemetery, the husband confessed to his wife, "Darling, if I didn't love you so much, I don't think I could have put up with having your Aunt Emma in the house all those years."
His wife looked at him, aghast. "MY Aunt Emma!" she cried. "I thought she was YOUR Aunt Emma!"

Dirty Dancin
Patrick the farmer is passing by Bob’s hay barn one day when through a gap in the door he sees Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green Tractor.
Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move and lets his overalls fall down to his hips revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Grabbing both sides of his shirt he rips it apart to reveal his stained tee shirt underneath.
With a final flourish he tears the tee shirt from his body and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough Patrick rushes in and says “what the heck are you doing Bob.”
“Jeez, Pat, ya scared the bejeezers out of me,” says an obviously embarrassed Bob,
“But me and the Ole lady been having trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor.”

Putting Your Affairs in Order
The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.
'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini.'
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.
The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. "I've been diagnosed with AIDS."
The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered,"Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your Friends you were dying of AIDS!
Why did you do that??"
"Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone."
And THAT is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In Order..'

Down in Flames
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the river seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me." Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre the fighter pilot. When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower. "Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her chest. "Pierre, what are you doing?" asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre the fighter pilot, and when I have white meat, I like to have white wine." They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He strikes a match and lights the Cognac on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!" Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot, and when I go down, I go down in flames!"

Having a party Saturday
Dick has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it`s total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he`s finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter standing there. "Names Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... thought you`d like to come." "Great," says Dick, "after six months of this I`m ready to meet some local folks. Thank you." As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there`s gonna be some drinkin`." "Not a problem... after 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of `em." Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More `n` likely gonna be some fightin` too." Damn, Dick thinks. Tough crowd. "Well, I get along with people. I`ll be there. Thanks again." Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I`ve seen some wild sex at these parties, too." "Now that`s not a problem" says Dick, "Remember I`ve been alone for six months! I`ll definitely be there... by the way, what should I wear?" Enoch stops at the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."

New Clothes
There was this couple trying to save some money for new clothes. The husband came up with an idea of just how to. The idea was to put a $1 bill in a jar every time they had sex and they both agreed to it. So after about 8 months it was time to open jar and to husbands surprise there were $20, $50 and even $100 dollar bills coming out of the savings jar. The Husband started questioning what happened, and the wife says, "Not everyone is as cheap as you."

Nana's Nursing Home...
A wealthy family took their frail, elderly grandmother to a famous and expensive nursing home and left her, hoping she would be well cared for.
The next morning, the nurses luxuriously bathed her- fed her a tasty breakfast cooked by a famous chef, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair.
Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up.
Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side.
The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning.
Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home.
"So Grandma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"
"It's pretty nice," she replied.
"Except they won't let me fart."

Frozen Crabs and the Blonde Stewardess
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs
and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took
the box and promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator.
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them
staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a
lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let
them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to
the entire cabin,”Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs, in New
Orleans, please raise your hand?”
Not ones hand went up… so she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren’t as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren’t as dumb as most folk think

 

Three buddies were talking about death and dying. When you're in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time and a great family man." The second man says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy says, "I would like to hear them say ....LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!"

God created the donkey & said to him: “You will work unceasingly from sunrise to sunset carrying burdens on your back. You will eat grass, you will have no intelligence & you will live 50 years.
You will be a donkey. “The donkey answered: “I will be a donkey, but to live 50 years is too much. Give me only 20 years. God granted his wish.
God created the dog and said to him: "You will be a dog.” You will guard the house of man. You will be his best friend. You will eat the scraps that he gives you and you will live 25 years. You will be a dog. “The dog answered: “Master, to live 25 years is too much, you give me only 10 years. God granted his wish. God created the Monkey and said to him: “You will be a monkey.” You will swing from branch to branch doing tricks. You will be amusing and you will live 20 years. You will be a monkey. “The monkey answered: “Master to live 20 years is too much, you give me only 10 years. God granted his wish.
Finally God created the man and said to him: “You will be a man, the only rational creature on the face of the earth.” You will use your intelligence to become master over all animals. You will dominate the world and you will live 20 years. Man responded: "I will be a man but to live only 20 years is very little, give the 30 years that the donkey refused, the 15 years that the dog did not want and the 10 years the monkey refused. God granted his wish. And since then, man lives 20 years as a man, he marries and spends 30 years like a donkey, working and carrying all the burdens on his back. Then when his children are gone, he lives 15 years like a dog, taking care of the house and eating whatever is given to him, so that when he is old, he can retire and live 10 years like a monkey, going from house to house, from one son or daughter to another, doing tricks to amuse his grandchildren.

A pilot landed a plane with a rather bumpy landing. As part of his job he was required to stand by the terminal door and say goodbye to the passengers as they exited the airplane. He was afraid that someone might say something about his rather less than perfect landing, but everyone left without saying a word except for one passenger, an elderly lady, she slowly approached the pilot after most passengers had exited the plane and asked, "Did we land? Or were we shot down?"

A cannibal entered the meat market to buy something nice for dinner. The owner greeted him and told him to look around. The cannibal began to inspect the meat case and noticed the market specialized in brain.
Upon further inspection he noticed a marked disparity between the costs of brain meats. A carpenter's brain sells for $1.50 per pound. A plumber's brain sells for $2.25 per pound. He noticed with alarm that a politician's brain sells for $375.00 a pound. With not a little curiosity he asked the owner why the huge difference in price between the similar meats.
The owner responded with a deadpan look on his face, "Do you realize how many politicians it takes to get a pound of brains?"

I was talking to my wife about the current financial situation & how she would have to make cutbacks... I said, "As a start I think you should learn to "iron", then we could do without the ironing lady." She replied, "Well if you would learn to make love to me properly we could do without the the gardener."

When Ted was putting flowers on his Grandmother's grave he noticed a man, very distraught, in front of a tombstone several yards away. The man was on his knees, hands tightly clasped in front of him, rocking back and forth, head tilted upward to heaven, tears streaming down his cheeks, moaning softly, "Why did you die? Why did you die?" Over and over again.
Ted was overcome with emotion at this sight and went over to the poor man to try and console him. "Why did you die? Why did you die?" bellowed the man again and again. Ted gently put his arm around the man and half whispered to him, "My Grandmother is buried just over there. Is a loved one of yours buried here?"
"No," sniffled the man, "It's my wife's first husband."

When her husband passed away, the wife put the usual death notice in the newspaper, but added that he had died of gonorrhea. Once the daily newspapers had been delivered, a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea." Replied the widow, "Yes, I know that he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit that he really was."

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One old lady turns to the other and asks, "Do you still get horny?" The other replies, "Oh, sure I do." The first old lady asks, "What to you do about it?" The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver." After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Er... Who drives you to the beach?"

The priest was instructing a class of third-graders at All Saints grammar school.
"There were two brothers, and one of them chose the wicked path of Satan. The brother was evil and corrupt and did great damage to many people, and wound up a convicted criminal in a tiny, dark cell.
"But the other brother studied hard and became a great, rich, knowledgeable lawyer.
"Now, children, what is the difference between these two brothers, who started out in the same place, who together embarked upon life's stormy seas?"
Herman raised his hand and said, "Easy. One of them got caught."

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat, but it was dead. “How do you know that the cat was dead?” she asked her pupil.
“Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move,” answered the child innocently.
“You did WHAT?! ?” the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
“You know,” explained the boy, “I leaned over and went ‘Pssst!’ and it didn’t move.”

A golfer came home after a long day at the golf course to find his wife sitting naked in front of a mirror. He asked her what she was doing. She explained, "Our doctor told me today that I have the breasts of a twenty-year-old." The golfer asked, "What did he say about your fifty-year-old ass?" She replied, "Darling, we didn't talk about you."

A man awoke one evening to discover prowlers in his storage shed. He immediately called 911, gave his address, to report the prowlers and possible burglary. The operator at the other end said "Are they in your house?" He said they were not, only in his storage shed in back of the house. The operator said there were no cars available at that time. He thanked the operator, hung up the phone and counted to 30 and called again. "I just called you about prowlers in my storage shed. Well you do not have to worry, as I just shot them all dead!" Within seconds there were 3 police cars, an ambulance and fire engine at the scene. After capturing the prowlers red-handed, the policeman asked the caller, "I thought you said you had shot them all!" The man answered, "I thought you said there were no police available!"

A man was invited to dinner by his elderly neighbors. The old gentleman endearingly preceded every request to his wife with "Honey, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.". The man was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years. While the wife was off in the kitchen, he said to the old gentleman, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still refer to your wife in those endearing terms." The elderly husband just hung his head and said, "Actually, I forgot her name about 10 years ago."

Little Mary was not the best student in Religion Class. Usually she slept through the whole period. One day Sister called on her while she was napping,"Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?" When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, a smart ass boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the butt. "God Almighty!" shouted Mary and Sister said, "Very good." Mary went back to sleep. A while later Sister asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" But, Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary and Sister said, "Very good," and Mary fell back asleep. Then Sister asked Mary a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!" And Sister fainted.

You got the Brakes
A trucker who had driven his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill and was just starting down the equally steep other side when he noticed a man and a woman lying in the center road, making love. He blew his air horn several times as he was bearing down on them. Realizing that they were not about to get out of his way he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches from them. Getting out of the cab, madder than hell, the trucker walked to the front of the cab and looked down at the two, still in the road, and yelled, "What the hell's the matter with you two? Didn't you hear me blowing the horn? You could've been killed!" The man on the highway, obviously satisfied and not too concerned, looked up and said, "Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes."

"Is your date running late?"
A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" "It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains. "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!" The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

Resisting His Advances
A guy met a girl in a bar and asked, “May I buy you a drink?”
She replied, “Okay. But it won’t do you any good.”
A little later, he asked, “May I buy you another drink?”
Again she replied, “Okay. But it won’t do you any good.”
He invited her up to his apartment and she replied, yet again, “Okay. But it won’t do you any good.”
They got to his apartment and he said, “You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. I want you for my wife.”
She replied, “Oh, that’s different. Send her in.”

So what's your story?
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, "heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?" So the first man replies: "well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing. By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and started hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell - but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned, but o.k. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony." "That sounds like a pretty bad day to me, " said Peter, and let the man in. The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about being full, and again, asks for his story. "It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my excercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought I was saved for sure, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be o.k., this refridgerator comes falling out of the sky crushing me instantly, and now I'm here." Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death. The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story. "Picture this, says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refridgerator...."

Marth, it’s beautiful!
There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the other one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death. Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later. At the seance, she called out, "John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?" A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you." Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?" "It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time." "What do you do all day?" asked Martha. "Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m." Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?" "Heaven? Oh, I'm not in Heaven, Martha." "Well, then, where are you, then?" "I'm a bunny rabbit in Arizona, Martha."

Costume Party
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.
She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, “Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.”
Then she asked, “Did you dance much?”
He replied, “I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I’ll tell you… the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!”

 

Labor Pains

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband’s blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.  The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.  She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was lying dead on their porch.

 

Elevator Magic

A hillbilly family took a vacation to New York City. One day, the father took his son into a large building. They were amazed by everything they saw, especially the elevator at one end of the lobby. The boy asked, “What’s this, Paw?”  The father responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don’t know what it is!”  While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous twenty-four-year old woman stepped out. 

The father turned to his son and said, “Go get your maw!”

 

The twins Joe & John

There were twins, Joe & John. Joe was the owner of an old dilapidated boat. It just so happened that John's wife died the same day Joe's boat sank. A few days later a kindly old woman saw Joe, & mistaking him for John, said "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must feel terrible." Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat, said "Fact is, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up & she smelled like an old dead fish. She was always losing her water. She had a bad crack in the back & a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, the hole got bigger & she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her out to those 4 guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools all tried to get in her at once & she split right up the middle." The old woman fainted.

 

'Are you NUTS?'

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner. I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me. 'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked. 'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'  'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.  'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!' 

'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money.  Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'  The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

 

The house will be empty

A couple is dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They phone for a cab, turn on a night light, cover their pet parakeet and put the cat out in the back yard.
The taxi arrives, and they open the front door to leave. Suddenly the cat they put out scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in there because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes back in. The cat runs upstairs, with the man in hot pursuit.
The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later the husband gets into the cab.
"Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid hag was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat butt downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!
The cab driver hit a parked car.

 

Nurse Nancy

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy. "She's incredibly mixed up," said one doctor. "She does everything absolutely backwards. Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours, but instead she gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours! He damn near died on us!" The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours, but instead she tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy damn near exploded!" Suddenly, they hear this bloodcurdling scream from down the hall. "Oh my God!" exclaimed the first doctor. "I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"

 

GOLF ACCIDENT

Two women were playing golf.   One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men.  He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man - and immediately began to apologize.

'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right.  I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.  He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.  She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked:  'How does that feel?'

He replied, 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'

Sneaky Old Woman!
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the housekeeper than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional." About a week later, the housekeeper came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you *did* take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you *did not* take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several days later, John received a letter from his mother who said: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you *do* sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you *do not* sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"

Sneaky Old Men!
The madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly Jewish man. His clothes were all disheveled and he looked needy. "Can I help you?" the madam asked.
"I want Natalie," the old man replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..." "No, I must see Natalie." Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. The man never blinked and reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour whereupon the man calmly left. The next night he appeared again demanding Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts... it was still $1,000. Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and he calmly left an hour later. When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man: "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row... where are you from?" The old man replied, "I am from Minsk." "Really?" replied Natalie, "I have a sister who lives there." "Yes; I know," said the old man. "She gave me $3,000 to give to you."

The Home Depot Scam
The Home Depot Scam A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers. This one caught me by surprise. Over the last month, I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonald's. You agree and they get in the backseat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen May 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, & 29th. Also June 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th, 30th, July 3rd, 4th, 10th, 11th, 18th, 20th, 25th, August 1st, 2nd, 6th, 9th, 14th, 17th, 23rd, 27th, 31st, September 3rd, 4th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend/
So, tell your friends to be careful.
P.S. Wall-mart has wallets on sale 2.99 each.

An Uplifting Story..... ENJOY
This letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all humankind. Please forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today.

Dear St Josephs School:
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon.
I am 84 years old and live at Grove Park, Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone and I want to thank you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.
My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.
She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to f*** off.
Thank you for that opportunity.
Sincerely,
Edna

Pervert on the loose!
Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year old white male, resident of Wimbledon, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday. Davidson will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the County courthouse on Monday. The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't." he stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail. Davidson went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need". "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Davidson apparently failed to notice the Wimbledon Municipal police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure." said Officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Davidson) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin." Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Davidson. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He got real surprised as you'd expect and then looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin? Damn... is it midnight already?"

Coming on Strong!
A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?" "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and contempt for your fellow man." "Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does".

The Moral of the Story?
A man was engaged to be married. All was going well - the date was planned, the venue booked and the outfits purchased.
There was just one problem! The Bride's younger sister.... She was very attractive and a bit of a flirt. Sometimes, her flirting was a bit too much to handle, as she made it obvious to the Groom what she wanted.
One day, the Groom -to-be popped in to visit his bride-to-be, but she was out. However, his vampish sister in law was in! She seized the opportunity to make a pass at the young man and whispered in his ear "I'm going up to my room - you know what I want, I'll be waiting for you!"
The man was rather taken aback, and exited the house rather quickly.
As he headed for his car, he was greeted by the whole of the Bride's family! Her parents, grandparents and Aunts and Uncles were there, cheering and applauding as he had passed their little test of fidelity!
They welcomed him with open arms, into the heart of their family.
The moral of this tale? Always keep you condoms in your car!

Challenge the old dog?
A young man at this construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone based on his strength. He especially made fun of one of the older workman. After several minutes, the older worker had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where you mouth is?" he said. "I'll bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to the other building that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the young man replied. "Let's see what you've got."
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then nodding to the young man, he said with a smile, "All right. Get in."
 

Lucky Jack!
Jack woke up with a killer hangover after attending his firm's Christmas Party.
He didn't even remember how he got home. It's 8.30. What day is it? Thursday. His wife must have gone to work. As he struggled into consciousness through the fog of a pounding headache, his stomach plummeted as he wondered what the hell he did last night. He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a little vase of sweet peas, freshly picked from the garden. He sat up. The bedroom was clean and tidy, - there was no trail of drunkenly abandoned clothes, fresh air was coming in through the window and all was serene. He stumbled to the bathroom, also pristine, and, squinting gingerly into the mirror, saw that he had a black eye. This was not a good sign, but no memories were returning.
As he concentrated hard on getting the world into focus, he saw a post-it note stuck on the corner of the mirror. It was written in red, with little hearts on it and a kiss from his wife. 'I'll ring your office and tell them you won't be in today. Breakfast is in the oven. Try to eat something and go back to bed for the morning. There's snooker on TV this afternoon. Take it easy today; hope your eye doesn't hurt too much. See you tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian. x '
He stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there was hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the newspaper. His teenage son was sitting at the table, eating. Jack, bracing himself, asked his son what happened the previous night.
‘Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door. '
Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order, aspirins by the bed, a nice note from Mum and breakfast waiting for me?'
His son replied, 'Oh THAT!... Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone you slapper, I'm married!!'
Broken Coffee Table £250
Hot Breakfast £3.50
Two Aspirins 20p
Saying the right thing, at the right time......PRICELESS

'She's just a weeeeee bit!
'An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare. With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman. Shortly there after he met a Redneck who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them.
The Redneck simply replied, 'They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want.'  The man dated the first daughter.
The next day the Redneck asked for the man's opinion.  'Well,' said the man, 'she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed.'
The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.  The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went.  'Well,' the man replied, ' she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed.'
The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.  The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, 'She's perfect, just perfect She's the one I want to marry.' So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born.
When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.  'Well,' explained the Redneck... 'She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell... pregnant when you met her.'

Who’s going to do the dishes?
A few days before Christmas, Joe went shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally found one for a great price, but it was missing a seal. Therefore, whenever it rains, he must smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be. Anyway, his girlfriend had him over for Christmas dinner to meet her parents. He drove his new bike to her house, where she waited outside for him. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word," she told him. "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing the dishes. Since then, we haven't done any. Now, the first person to speak, to say anything at all, at dinner has to do them." Joe sat down for dinner and it was just how she described it. Dishes were piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody said a word. Joe then decided to have a little fun. He grabbed his girlfriend, threw her on the table, and had sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend became flustered, her dad was obviously livid, and her mom was horrified by the time Joe sat back down, but no one said a word. A few minutes later he grabbed her mom, threw her on the table and did a repeat performance. His girlfriend became extremely furious, her dad boiling, and her mother a little happier. But still there was complete silence at the table. All of a sudden, there was a loud clap of thunder as it began to rain. Joe remembered his motorcycle. He jumped up and grabbed his jar of Vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backed away from the table and screamed, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE F------ DISHES!!"
 

This good Samaritan

This good Samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk "do you live here?" "Yep." "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" Yep." "When they got up on the second floor he asked "Is this your floor?" "Yep." Then he got to thinking that maybe he didn't want to face the man's irate wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it, then went back downstairs. But lo and behold when he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk "Do you live here?" "Yep." "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep." So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk, then went back downstairs. To his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over to him. But before he got to him the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried "For God's sake officer, protect me from this man." He's been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft!"

'YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE'

The husband had just finished reading a new book: 'YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE' He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, YOU need to know that I AM the MAN of this house, and my word is law!" "You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert afterward." "Then, after dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have the sex that I want." "After that, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe." "Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?" His wife replied, "The ******* funeral director would be my guess."

Can't take my eyes off you

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him. The young man noticed her overly attentive stare & walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young man said to her, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition.' Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The young man replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.' The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her purse and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which she pressed into the young man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, "Clean my house."

Two Aliens

Two aliens landed in the Texas desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader." The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.' The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Mad at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!" The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad.' 'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away into a cactus patch. Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head. 'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?' The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never screw with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'

The 'Perfect Password'

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the Appropriate point in the process, the computer advised him that he would Now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on. The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife what he was entering by stating each letter out loud as he typed: P...E.....N...I...S His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

**** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***

The Pope and Bill Clinton

Bill Clinton and the Pope died on the same day, and due to an administrative foul-up, Clinton was sent to Heaven and the Pope was sent to Hell. The Pope explained the situation to the Devil; he checked out all of the paperwork, and the error was
acknowledged. The Pope was told, however, that it would take about 24 hours to fix the problem and correct the error.
The next day, the Pope was called in and the Devil said his good-bye as the Pope went off to Heaven. On his way up, he met Clinton who was on his way down. They stopped to chat.
Pope: Sorry about the mix-up.
Clinton: No problem.
Pope: Well, I’m really excited about going to Heaven.
Clinton: Why’s that?
Pope: All my life I’ve wanted to meet the Virgin Mary.
Clinton: You’re a day late.

NASCAR driver Jeff Gordon fires entire pit crew!

This announcement followed Gordon’s decision to take advantage of President Obama’s proposal to employ Harlem youngsters. The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon’s existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of dollars worth of high tech equipment. It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon’s management team as most races are won or lost in the pits. At the crew’s first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered the VIN number, and sold the car to Dale Jr. for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff Gordon’s wife in the shower.

A Ballsy Retort

A new bride went to her doctor for a check up. Lacking knowledge of the male anatomy, she asked the doctor, “What’s that thing hanging between my husband’ legs?” The doctor replies, “We call that the penis.” The new bride then asks, “What’s that reddish/purple thing on the end of the penis?” The doctor replies, “We call that the head of the penis.” Then the bride asks, “What are those two round things about 15 inches from the head of the penis?” The doctor replies, “Lady, on him I don’t know, but on me they’re the cheeks of my ass!”

HEAVEN AND HELL

While walking down the street one day, a corrupt senator was tragically hit by a car and died. His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. “Welcome to Heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.” “No problem, just let me in!” says the senator. “Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then, you can choose where to spend eternity.” “Really? I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,” says the senator. “I’m sorry, but we have our rules.” And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse, and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They played a friendly game of golf – and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are all having such a good time that before the senator realizes it, it’s time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. “Now it’s time to visit Heaven…” he says. So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. “Well, then, you’ve spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity.” The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: “Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell.” So, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell… Now, the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders. “I don’t understand,” stammers the Senator. “Yesterday, I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time! Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable! What happened?” The devil smiles at him and says, “Yesterday, we were campaigning. Today, you voted.” Vote wisely on November 2, 2010….OR ELSE!!!!!!

Dirty Limerick

She thinks she is smart cause she has two degrees, Unfortunately her boobs hang to her knees. She studied real hard, Attended every class To bad her breath smells like her ass

The Dentist

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl’s place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands. The girl has been watching him and says: “You must be a dentist.” The guy, surprised, says: “Yes…. How did you know?” “Easy.” she replies, “You keep washing your hands.” One thing leads to another and they make love. After it’s over the girl says: “You must be a good dentist.” The doc, now with an inflated ego, says: “Sure – I’m a good dentist. How did you figure that out?” The girl replies: “I didn’t feel a thing.”

Skydiving Miss-hap

A man is skydiving, enjoying his free-fall, when he realizes that he has reached the altitude where he must open his parachute. So he pulls on the rip cord, but nothing happens. "No problem," he says to himself, "I still have my emergency chute." So he pulls the rip cord on his emergency parachute, and once again, nothing happens. Now the man begins to panic. "What am I going to do?" he thinks, "I'm a goner..." Just then he sees a man flying up from the earth toward him. He can't figure out where this man is coming from, or what he's doing, but he thinks to himself, "Maybe he can help me. If he can't, then I'm done for." When the man gets close enough to him, the skydiver cups his hands and shouts down, "Hey, do you know anything about parachutes?" The other man replies, "No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?"

First day of Grade Three

09/14/10 It was the first day of Grade Three in a new town for Johnny. As a test, his teacher went around the room and asked each of the students to count to 50. Some did very well, counting as high as 30 or 40 with just a few mistakes. Others couldn't get past 20. Johnny, however, did extremely well; he counted past 50, right up to 100 without any mistakes. He was so excited that he ran home and told his Dad how well he had done. His Dad nodded and told him, "That's because you are from Alabama, son." The next day, in language class, the teacher asked the students to recite the alphabet. It's Grade Three, so most could make it half way through without much trouble. Some made it to S or T, but Johnny rattled off the alphabet perfectly right to the end. That evening, Johnny once again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new school. His Dad, knowingly, explained to him, "That's because you are from Alabama, son." The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Johnny noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly" well endowed". This confused him. That night he told his dad, "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm from Alabama?" he asked. "No, son," explained his Dad, "That's because you're 18."

This Ford has it all!

This man in a Ford Granada pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls: "Hey, you got a telephone in there?" The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do." "I got one too... see?" "Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice." Then the man in the Granada says, "You got a fax machine?" "Why, actually, yes, I do." "I do too! See? It's right here!" "Uh-huh." The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Granada says, "So, do YOU have a double bed in back there?" And the guy in the Rolls says, "NO! Do you?" "Yep, got my double bed right in back here — see?!" The light turns and the man in the Granada takes off. Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he goes immediately to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car. About two weeks later, the job is finally done and he picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Granada. He finally finds it parked alongside the road so he pulls his Rolls up next to it. The windows on the Granada are all fogged up and he feels a little awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Granada. The man in the Granada finally opens the window a crack and peeks out. The guy in the Rolls says, "Hey. Remember me?" "Yeah, yeah, I remember you. What's up?" "Check this out — I got a double bed installed in my Rolls." And the man in the Granada says, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?!"

Dumb Blonde Joke

Once upon a time in the land of Starks, a blonde became so sick of hearing dumb blonde jokes that she dyed her hair brown. A few days later, as she was out driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass. Admiring the cute woolly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?" The shepherd, always the gentleman, said, "Sure!" The blonde thought for a moment and, for no discernible reason, said "352." This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed, and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock." The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked the one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others. When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?"

Steve, Bruce and Bluey

Three Aussies were working on a high-rise building project - Steve, Bruce and Bluey. Steve falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, 'Someone should go and tell his wife.' Bluey says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.' Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters. Bruce says, 'Where did you get that, Bluey?' 'Steve's wife gave it to me,' Bluey replies. 'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?' 'Well not exactly,' Bluey says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her,' You must be Steve's widow'. She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.' And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are'.'

Conflict resolution

If one is appalled at the opposition to the mosque near ground zero, I suggest the construction of a topless bar next door.
Let’s call it “You Mecca Me Hot.”
Next to that should be a gay bar, “The Turban Cowboy.”
And next door to the mosque should be a pork rib restaurant, maybe “Iraq o’ Ribs?”
Then the Muslims could be allowed to show their tolerance. Problem solved.

Cats & Dogs

Friendship between women: A woman doesn’t come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The husband calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it. Friendship between men: A man doesn’t come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The wife calls her husband's 10 best men friends. Eight of them confirm that he had slept over, and two claim that he was still there.

Lousy Parrot

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and warned she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again. When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady." She paused and said,"Yes?" The bird said, "You know."

On The Road Again

A trucker, who has been on the road for several weeks, stops at a brothel outside Las Vegas . He walks straight to the Madam of the House, places five one-hundred dollar bills on the counter, and says, 'I want your ugliest woman, and a burnt grilled cheese sandwich!' The Madam is astonished, and exclaims, 'But sir, for that kind of money you should have one of my finest ladies, and at least a three-course meal!' The trucker replies, 'Listen darlin ' , I ain't horny. I'm just home-sick.'

I want only half a head!

A man walked into the produce section of his local Safeway's and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, 'Some old fool wants to buy half a head of lettuce.' As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, 'and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half.'  The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from son?' 'New Zealand, sir,' the boy replied.  'Well, why did you leave New Zealand?' the manager asked.  The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and rugby players there.'  'Really?' replied the manager 'My wife is from New Zealand!'
'Really??' replied the boy. 'Who did she play for?'

Can you Fly?

A man gets to his plane seat, and is surprised to find a parrot strapped into the seat next to him. Once in the air, the stewardess comes round, and the man asks her for a coffee, whereupon the parrot squawks: "and get me a whisky you cow". The stewardess, somewhat flustered brings back a whisky for the parrot, but forgets the coffee. When the man points this out to her, the parrot immediately drains its glass and yells "and get me another whisky you bitch!" Quite upset, the stewardess, shaking returns shortly with a whisky for the parrot, but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man decides to try the parrot's approach: " I've asked you twice for a coffee, cow go and get it or I'll give you a slap!" In a couple of seconds, two burly stewards grab both him and the parrot, take them to the emergency exits and throw them out. As they are ejected from the plane, the parrot turns to the man and says "You know, for someone who can't fly, you're a lippy bastard!!"

My Bride

The young bride approached her eager husband on their wedding night and demanded $20 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, he readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years, he going along with her demand for $20 thinking it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes, etc. She arrived home around noon one day, and found her husband in a very drunken state. Over the next few minutes she heard of the ravages of financial ruin caused by corporate down sizing and it's effects on him, a 50 year-old junior executive. Calmly, she loaded him into her car and drove to a downtown hotel. Pointing to the fine structure she informed him that he owned the land it was built on and that they paid him $6000 per month rent. She then handed him a bank book showing deposits and interest for 12 years, totaling nearly $1 million dollars. Pointing across the parking lot she gestured toward the local bank while handing him stock certificates worth nearly $2 million dollars and informing him that he was the largest stockholder in the bank. She told him that for 30 years she had charged him each time they had sex, and this was the result of her investments. By now he was distraught and beating his head against the side of the car. She asked him why the disappointment at such good news and he replied, "If I had known what you were doing, I would have given you ALL of my business!"

Yes Sir Captain!

A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?" The Sergeant replied "Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel." The captain said "Well if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me." After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!" The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captain's quarters. The captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."

 

Don't eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what.....

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.

Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth Grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken
sandwich.
He said, 'Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?'
She said 'I love it but I have to stop eating it.'
'Why?' he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said 'Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!'
'Let me see' he said.
'Okay' and she pulled up her skirt.
He looked and said, 'That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken.'
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, 'I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!'
She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her!
She said 'Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the NECK and GIBLETS!!!

A Little Wave’ll Do It!

The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd…. The Pope leans towards Mrs. Pelosi and said, “Do you know that with a single little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they’ll forever speak of this day and rejoice!”  Pelosi replied, “I seriously doubt that with one little wave of your hand? Show me!”  So the Pope backhanded the bitch and knocked her off the stage!
AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY!
Kind of brings a tear to your eyes, doesn’t it?

Sometimes it's best to pretend to not hear her!
WIFE:
What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND:
Definitely not!
WIFE:
Why not - don't you like being married?
..................(pause)...........................
HUSBAND:
Of course I do.
WIFE:
Then why wouldn't you remarry?
HUSBAND:
Okay, I'd get married again.
WIFE:
You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND:
makes audible groan).
WIFE:
Would you live in our house?
HUSBAND:
Sure, it's a great house.
WIFE:
Would you sleep with her in our bed?
HUSBAND:
Where else would we sleep?
WIFE:
Would you let her drive my car?
HUSBAND:
Probably, it's almost new
WIFE:
Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND:
That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WIFE:
Would she use my golf clubs?
HUSBAND:
No, she's left-handed.
WIFE:
- silence - -
HUSBAND:
F***

Statues in the park
Two statues have been standing in a park for 100 years, they are a pair of young lovers reaching their hands towards one another, not quite touching. They've been that way for 100 years, reaching out, but never quite touching. A friendly angel flies past and looks down and takes pity on them because they've been reaching out for so long and never quite touching. The angel summons all his/her strength and powers and brings them to life. But the most that the angel can do is bring them to life for half an hour. The angel tells them "I have brought you to life, but I can only do this for half an hour, my full powers cannot give you any more. But for that half hour you may do whatever it is you've been wishing to do for the 100 years you've been there, reaching out to one another but never quite touching". The pair thank the angel very much and disappear into the bushes. There is much grunting, groaning, rustling of leaves and similar sounds. Eventually, after 15 minutes the couple re-emerge looking very happy. "But" said the angel "you've only used 15 minutes and I gave you half an hour. Why don't you go back and do it again ?" "Oh yes" says the young man to the young girl "why don't we ? Except this time you hold the pigeon and I'll shit on it"

Should have stayed in Bed!
A couple is in bed sleeping when there's a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
The husband rolls over and looks at the clock, and it's half past 3 in the morning.” I’m not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. So he drags himself out of bed, goes downstairs, opens the door, and there's a man standing there. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?" "No, get lost. It's half past three and I was in bed," says the man as he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tell his wife what happened and she says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"  "But the guy was drunk," says the husband.  "It doesn't matter," says the wife.” He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.  He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere,  He shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?"  And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."  So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" The drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing."

Next Stop; Vegas!
A blonde got on a plane for Las Vegas and sat in 1st class. The flight attendant checked her ticket & said she was booked in coach. The blonde would not move and said she was blonde, beautiful & going to Las Vegas. A second flight attendant spoke to her ---she refused to move & said she was blonde, beautiful & going to Las Vegas. Then they asked the pilot to tell her to move and she told him the same thing refusing to move. The pilot then whispered something in her ear & she got up and went into coach. The attendants asked him what he said to her--- he said he told the blonde that 1st class didn't stop in Las Vegas.
 

HOW A MARRIAGE WORKS
A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks.  The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies .
So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'
'Where are you going, coochy cooh?' asked the wife.
'I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I' m going to have a beer.'
The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'
She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan , India ,etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses...'
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying,
'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'  She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. 
I promise. OK?'
You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
'But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'
'You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your f***ing beer in your goddamn frozen mug and eat your m****rf***ing snacks, because you are married now, and you aren't f***ing going anywhere! Got it, Asshole?'
........and, they lived happily ever after.

Unemployment Sucks!!
This guy needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo. As it happened, their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the night before and they had carefully preserved his hide. They tell this guy that they'll pay him well if he would dress up in the gorillas skin and pretend to be the gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo. Well, the guy has his doubts, but Hey! He needs the money, so he puts on the skin and goes out into the cage. The people all cheer to see him. He plays up to the audience and they just eat it up. This isn't so bad, he thinks, and he starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring, swinging around. During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He's terrified and starts screaming, "Help, Help, Help!" The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, "Shut up or we'll BOTH lose our jobs!

Monkeys
Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana.  As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all the other monkeys with cold water. After a while another monkey makes the attempt with same result, all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.
Now, put the cold water away. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the Stairs.
To his shock, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs he will be assaulted.
Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one.
The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.
Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs he is attacked.
Hang on…
Most of the monkeys that are beating him up have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, nor why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey. After replacing all of the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana.
Why not?
Because as far as they know, that is the way it has always been done around here.
And that, my fellow monkeys, is how Congress operates…
And that is why we need to replace ALL of the original monkeys this November.

Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking
Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship. “Follow me son” the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people. “First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing.” And they did. “Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing.” And they did. “Now we eat everybody.” And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked,” Dad, why didn’t we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?”
His wise father replied, “Because they taste better without the shit inside!”
Now you know…
Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking.

My Building Permit
I recently applied for a building permit for my new house.
It was going to be 100 ft tall and 400 ft wide with 9 turrets at various heights and windows all over the place and a loud outside entertainment sound system. It would have parking for 200 cars and I was going to paint it snot green with pink trim.
The City laughed and told me to go to hell.
I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a Mosque.
Work starts on Monday…..
 

The Doctor Said?
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After the check-up, the doctor took the wife aside and said "If you don't do the following, your husband will die: 1) Each morning fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood. 2) At lunch make him a warm and nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work. 3) For dinner fix him an especially nice meal and don't burden him with household chores. 4) Have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim." On the way home the husband asked his wife what the doctor had said. She replied "You're going to die."

Better Plan Ahead
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
"Reverend," said the young man, "sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."
The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."

The doctor says!
A woman in her forties is at home happily jumping unclothed, on her bed and squealing with delight.
Her husband watches her for a while and asks, 'Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?'
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, 'I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18-year-old.'
The husband replies, 'What did he say about your 45-year old arse?'
'Your name never came up,' she replied.

What did you say?
A small guy goes into an elevator, looks up and notices a huge dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says, "7 feet tall, 450 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown." The small guy faints. The big dude picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small guy, "What's wrong with you?" The small guy says, "Excuse me, but what did you say?" The big dude looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 450 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown." The small guy says, "Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn around'."
 

The New Nuns (;-)
There are 3 new nuns and a mother superior. The mother superior tells the 3 nuns that before they can receive their saint name they had one final test. She told them to go commit one sin so that they would not have urges to be bad... After the 3 nuns return, the mother superior says, "Did you commit your sins?" They all shake their heads yes. The first 2 nuns are crying, the 3rd is giggling. The mother superior says to the first one, "What sin did you commit child?" The first nun answers with tears in her eyes. "I was just rotten, I picked flowers from someone's garden." The mother superior says, "Go drink the holy water and it will be alright," The 3rd nun is dancing around in laughter. The mother superior asks the 2nd one. Her whole body is shaking and she is crying. "I stole candy from a baby." The mother superior says, "My child drink the holy water and you are forgiven. The 3rd nun falls on the floor hysterically laughing. The mother superior is disgusted and asks, "What are you laughing at?" The 3rd nun is barely able to answer through her tears of laughter," I peed in the Holy water."
 

The Assassins Last Field Test
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists...  Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances.  In side of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"  The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job." 
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes." I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband.  She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

WHAT PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST
The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, 'When you die and go to Heaven...which part of your body goes first?'
Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.'
'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'
Suzy replied, 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.'
'What a wonderful answer!' the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, 'Sister, I think it's your feet.
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.
'Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?'
Little Johnny said, 'Well, I walked into Mummy and Daddy's bedroom the other night Mummy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, Oh ! God, I'm coming!' If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her.'
The Nun fainted.

Man & his Monkey
A man walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder. He sits down and orders a beer. As he's drinking his beer, his monkey starts running around.
The monkey first picks up an olive from an empty glass and eats it. Then he grabs a wedge of lime and eats that too. The bartender is amazed! The monkey then runs to a pool table where he proceeds to grab the cue ball and swallow it whole! The bartender shrieks, "Hey, Mister, your fucking monkey ate my cue ball!" The guy replies, "Yeah, he's a crazy bastard! I'll pay for everything." The man pays for everything, apologizes and exits. Two weeks later the man returns with the monkey again. He sits down and orders a beer. As he's drinking, the monkey jumps on top of the bar, grabs a cocktail cherry, jams it up his ass, and then eats it! The bartender is astonished. He shrieks, "Mister, your monkey just shoved a cherry up his ass and ate it!" The man replies, "Yeah, I know! After the cue ball, he's learned to measure everything first!"
 

That's how you wave a towel
An older Jewish gentleman married a younger lady and they were very much in love. However, no matter what the husband did sexually, the woman never achieved an orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decided to ask the rabbi. The rabbi listened to their story, stroked his beard, and made the following suggestion, Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm. They went home and followed the rabbi's advice. They hired a handsome young man and he waved a towel over them as they made love. But it didn't help and she was still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they went back to the rabbi. Okay, said the rabbi, let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them. Once again, they followed the rabbi's advice. The young man got into bed with the wife and the husband waved the towel. The young man got to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon had an enormous, room-shaking screaming orgasm. The husband smiled, looked at the young man and said to him triumphantly, You see, THAT'S the way to wave a towel!

Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

Bob works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?' His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.
When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?' 'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, 'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'
Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it . She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book. The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.' Bob's funeral will be on Friday.

Shuda checked first
A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?" "Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities." "That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked. "Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer." "Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?" "Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place."

Always wear clean undies
Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle.
From the Daily News comes this story of a Leicester couple who drove their car to ASDA, only to have their car break down in the car park. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the chassis. Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked cross the bonnet and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.
The RAC mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

A Powerful Message from Stevie Wonder On Michael Jackson’s Death…
........ .. … … ..   …..
... .  . …    .   .     . .   .  .. . ..  ….   .. .. . …    ..
....  ... .. ... .. ... ... .... ...... ... ... ... .... ..... .. .
...     .  .  … .. .   . .  ..
.... . .... ...  .... .... ...
....... .... .... .... .... ..... ..... .. . . ....  ....
.. ..     . 
..   .      ..   . .          .               ...
........ ... ... ... .. .. ....... ... .. .... ...  ... .... ....
..  .. .. .
... ....
...  .        .       .  .  . .. .. … ..
...  .... .. ... .. .......  ......  .....

Deep stuff, eh? I nearly cried when he said

“. ..  .  .  . .. .. … .. .. . ....  ....”

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.  The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.  

'I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?' 

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.' Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.' The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.' Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.  

Grandpa says, Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.' Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous. 

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.' The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks. 'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!' 

Don't Mess with Old People!!

Found on the Refrigerator One Morning:
My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being  54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset----I shall be home before midnight.

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.  Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

The Pope’s visit to Oregon
He was cruising on a seldom used mountain road in the Pope-Mobile, when there   was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. A helpless tree-hugger, wearing sandals, shorts, and a 'Bush Lied' T-shirt was screaming while struggling frantically, thrashing around trying to free himself from the jaws of a 10 foot grizzly.    

As the Pope watched horrified, a group of loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semi-conscious tree-hugger from the bear's grasp. Then   using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured tree-hugger in the back seat.

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I've heard there was a bitter hatred between loggers and environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true." 

As the Pope drove off; one of the loggers asked his buddies, "Who was that guy?" ''It was the Pope", another replied... "He's in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom."

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all God's wisdom, but he sure doesn't know shit about bear hunting!"

"By the way, is the bait holding up, or do we need to go back to Eugene and grab another one?"

Great gift idea for the wife...

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser. The effects of the Taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs??

AWESOME!!!?

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave!

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?! !??

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong???

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand and Taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.?? All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"??

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "Don't do it dumb ass," reasoning that a one- second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!

The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, stupid, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a Taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-BITCH... That hurt like Hell**%!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time’s a relative thing at that point), I gathered my wits (what was left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

 

The Plan!

Robin Williams, wearing a shirt that says 'I love New York ' in Arabic.

You gotta love Robin Williams......Even if he's nuts! Leave it to Robin Williams to come up with the perfect plan. What we need now is for our UN Ambassador to stand up and repeat this message.

Robin Williams' plan...(Hard to argue with this logic!)

'I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard of a plan for peace. So, here's one plan.'

1) 'The US will apologize to the world for our 'interference' in their affairs, past & present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, Tojo, Noriega, Milosevic, Hussein, and the rest of those 'good 'ole' boys', we will never 'interfere' again.

2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany , South Korea , the Middle East , and the Philippines . They don't want us there. We would station troops at our borders. No one allowed sneaking through holes in the fence.

3) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of whom or where they are. They're illegal!!! France will welcome them.

4) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit!!!! No one from a terrorist nation will be allowed in. If you don't like it there, change it yourself and don't hide here. Asylum would never be available to anyone. We don't need any more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers.

5) No foreign 'students' over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don't attend classes, they get a 'D' and it's back home baby.

6) The US will make a strong effort to become self-sufficient energy wise. This will include developing nonpolluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while

7) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don't like it, we go someplace else. They can go somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of the wells filling up the storage sites would be enough.)

8) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not 'interfere.' They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides most of what we give them is stolen or given to the army. The people who need it most get very little, if anything.

9) Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island someplace. We don't need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.

10) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one can call us 'Ugly Americans' any longer. The Language we speak is ENGLISH..learn it...or LEAVE...Now, isn't that a winner of a plan?

'The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying 'Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling, 'you want a piece of me?' '  

 

LESBONICS

1. What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians? .

A licker cabinet.

2. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian? ....

A Klondyke.

3. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns? ....

Militia Etheridge.

4. Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time?

Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.

5. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe? ....

Fur Traders.

6. What is a lesbian dinosaur called? ....

A Lickalotapuss.

7. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers? ....

Well Hung.

8. Did you hear that Ellen DeGeneres drowned? ...

She was found face down in Ricki Lake.

9. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar? .....

The pool table doesn't have balls.

10. What do you call lesbian twins? ....

Lick-a-likes.

11. What's the definition of confusion? ...

Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.

12. What's the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian?

One's a snack cracker, the other's a crack snacker.

 

The Global Facts
At Any Given Moment:
79,000,000 people are engaged in intercourse right now.
58,000,000 are kissing.
37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
1 lonely bugger is reading this joke 

You Hang in there sunshine

 

Stop Drinking Alcohol

If you were around in 1919

(just before prohibition started)

 and came  upon the following poster

I mean seriously, Would you quit drinking?

THE VIBRATOR

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door; she observed her daughter with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'

The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: “dad I'm thirty five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.' 

A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room.  She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.  The wife asked: 'What the f@!* are you doing?'

The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.

The Barnyard

The little red hen called all of her Democrat neighbors together and said, 'If we plant this wheat, we shall have bread to eat. Who will help me plant it?'

 

'Not I,' said the cow.

'Not I,' said the duck.

'Not I,' said the pig.

'Not I,' said the goose.

 

'Then I will do it by myself,' said the little red hen, and so she did.  The wheat grew very tall and ripened into golden grain. 'Who will help me reap my wheat?' asked the little red hen.

 

'Not I,' said the duck...

'Out of my classification,' said the pig.

'I'd lose my seniority,' said the cow.

'I'd lose my unemployment compensation,' said the goose.

 

'Then I will do it by myself,' said the little red hen, and so she did. At last it came time to bake the bread. 'Who will help me bake the bread?' asked the little red hen.

 

'That would be overtime for me,' said the cow.

'I'd lose my welfare benefits,' said the duck.

'I'm a dropout and never learned how,' said the pig.

'If I'm to be the only helper, that's discrimination,' said the goose.

 

 'Then I will do it by myself,' said the little red hen. She baked five loaves and held them up for all of her neighbors to see. They wanted some and, in fact, demanded a share. But the little red hen said, 'No, I shall eat all five loaves.'

 

 'Excess profits!' cried the cow. (Nancy Pelosi)

'Capitalist leech!' screamed the duck. (Barbara Boxer)

'I demand equal rights!' yelled the goose. (Jesse Jackson)

The pig just grunted in disdain. (Barney Frank)

 

 And they all painted 'Unfair!' picket signs and marched around and around the little red hen, shouting obscenities. Then the farmer (Obama) came. He said to the little red hen, 'You must not be so greedy.' 'But I earned the bread,' said the little red hen.

 

 'Exactly,' said Barack the farmer. 'That is what makes our free enterprise system so wonderful. Anyone in the barnyard can earn as much as he wants. But under our modern government regulations, the productive workers must divide the fruits of their labor with those who are lazy and idle.'

 

 And they all lived happily ever after, including the little red hen, who smiled and clucked, 'I am grateful, for now I truly understand.'  But her neighbors became quite disappointed in her. She never again baked bread because she joined the 'party' and got her bread free. And all the Democrats smiled. 'Fairness' had been established.  Individual initiative had died, but nobody noticed; perhaps no one cared. so long as there was free bread that 'the rich' were paying for.

 

 EPILOGUE:

Bill Clinton is getting $12 million for his memoirs.

Hillary got $8 million for hers.

That's $20 million for the memories from two people, who for eight years, repeatedly testified, under oath, that they couldn't remember anything.

 IS THIS A GREAT BARNYARD OR WHAT?

3 GRANDMAS